Kwil

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Kwil




Thanks again to all who have visited, commented, shared, and offered their kind advice. I hope to stay in touch!
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It seems I might have been wrong about feeling better...

MMVIII

It was at this time last year that I suffered a major breakdown. I struggled with aging, failure, pressure, stress, unemployment, responsibility, lack of self esteem, nil motivation, and ill health. By spring, I was attempting the embrace of metamorphosis. I was rundown, weak, and confused but growing incredibly determined to unglue. I wanted to take control of this life and do the things and be the person I knew I could.
April 2008 was a definitive thawing period. I landed a great entry level job and I began feeling much more confident all around. As the work days flew by I would bask in weekends spent rejuvenating and walking. I kept, and continue to keep my eye on a final destination, but l really began exercising a form of learning from and enjoying the entire journey. With every day, I feel I have grown a little bit stronger, a little bit wiser, and my entire being a little bit more stable. I am assured now, that after a lengthy tug-of-war with no one else but myself, that I have the ability to do anything I set out to do. I will always be my worst critic, my worst enemy- and knowing this, has calmed me some. I think I am finding more purpose in this mess than had I just set out feeling normal, disorder-free.







This was an incredible journey. While many will poo poo this past year as being the year from hell- I can only thank it for all it has given me to learn from, hoops to jump through and all. The lessons and self-discovery were unexpected, but labored. Although I did not physically travel, I believe I have made leaps and bounds. I continue to focus my energy on bettering myself and strive for good health, happiness, and success. I have harnessed passion and anxiety to a point where it is manageable. I no longer feel the same pressure that I used to. I still struggle with self image and how others view me. I am naturally nervous and worrisome but it no longer handicaps me. I may never be the prettiest, smartest, or most talented girl to walk into a room, but have flipped it in a way that I may just be the most mysterious, interesting person you will never talk to. I am no longer fixated on being an influence and that change in somebody's life now. The most important role is to be somebody to me.





I have, however, lost some patience and I continue to struggle with meaningful friendships (Jeff is my best friend, and a great friend at that. But it is in my best interest to take the pressure off of him as being my sole confidant). You really are who you associate with, and it has begun to dawn on me that I am not standing in the right rooms. I feel extremely out of place and dissatisfied more often than not now. This is not to be taken as an insult.
I want to place the blame on myself. Perhaps it is too much to ask for a connection with someone else who will hold similar views and beliefs? Someone to listen to me, someone who I enjoy listening to? Someone who will remember it all the next day? I kind of believe that friendship is not something you can actively seek either...



I have really taken the time to focus on myself and I know that my days have only really been self involved. For 2009 I hope to branch out a little bit more, be a bit more open minded. As I continue to bloom, I hope then to have the ability to welcome influence and warm, dedicated people into my life and really let my creative juices flow.









I hope you all had sweet, wonderful holidays.